During our meeting in your offices above Thistle Hill, I found my attention to detail impaired by the contents of the tea that you served. My memory is not what it should be. I desire clarification on a certain salient point: to what betrothal do you refer? I have certainly not given my consent to any such offer, nor have I received such. I rather think that you put the cart before the horse. I am not your betrothed, nor shall I ever be if I can possibly avoid it. I demand of you, therefore, copies of any settlements that you have drawn up. I desire the opportunity to properly reject your suit whilst I am of sound body and mind, a situation of which it seems that I cannot be assured whilst in your presence. Truly, Mr. Plutonian, I am disappointed in your behavior. To drug a young lady’s tea in order to trick her into a betrothal is an unspeakable breach of ethics.
If I am to consider any future offers of like kind, they must include the following:
1. Assurances that you shall never again tamper with my mind or with my free will. I will not be poisoned or enchanted or dollified.
2. Freedom from and the dissolution of any prior contracts between us.
3. The legal adoption of my ward, Miss Mary Ruby, to be our joint heir in lieu of issue.
4. The right to maintain my residence, separate from yours, in my current estate.
5. The guarantee of a public ceremony so that I may be reasonably well assured of its legitimacy and of my own cognizance.
If you can satisfy each of these points, then I may consider an offer. Otherwise, you had better send the paddy wagon to my door. If my freedom is to be revoked, I prefer to know it is happening. Coincidentally, should you ever decide to drug me again, please do so on the date of my arrest.
Your Extremely Ill-Used Business Partner,
–Miss Palabra Puddlegum–